It’s been a while and I’ve made a few false starts around getting back into blogging but it’s just not been happening. I’ve missed it quite a bit but mentally I’ve been in a place where I didn’t really trust myself to blog. I’ve been in such a dark place that I knew if I sat down and started typing, a lot of things would end up on the page that would hurt a lot of people. There may well be an element of that that occurs in the next few posts I make but at least now I’m in a place where I’m typing because I want to and am relatively in control of the words & sentences that form as opposed to the anger and disappointment controlling me.
I think the main thing to come out of the last few months is that I’ve finally come to a decision about how I feel about members of my family and how I feel about the future of our relationships. There comes a point in life where difficult decisions have to be made and I think that’s where I’ve been recently. There’ve been lows (my grandmother’s funeral), highs (thinking that maybe a family reunion might be in the offing) and more lows (finding out that really I can’t compromise my values enough to allow the reunions to happen fully). In the end after years of upset and hurt I’ve decided that leopards don’t change their spots and that actually all I need in life is self belief. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have the support of certain people in my life, if I believe in me and work towards my goals then I can be happy.
So there we go, from now on I’m going to have a relationship with the family I like and who behave like people that I’d have as friends and I’m not going to push for a relationship with the family that I just don’t like as people. I’ve tried but I suppose I’m just not the type of person that wants to be nice to people who I dislike just because I’m related to them. Life’s to short to spend it in the company of people who’s behaviour goes against my values.
Essentially I think what I’m trying to say is that olive branches can be offered and a bit snapped off so that there is still enough branch to offer again on another occasion, however, if you set fire to the branch then it’ll burn until the tree is gone. The result? No branch, no olives, just a pile of ashes.
I am those ashes, and like Fawkes the Phoenix I shall rise again but I’m flying off in another direction so that I don’t get burnt in the same fire again.